Darkness cannot dispel darkness; only light has that power. Unforgiving corrodes the heart of its holder. While it’s unpredictable whether someone may inflict pain upon you, your response after being hurt can be your choice. The most constructive response is forgiveness.

Persisting in an emotionally unforgiving state following a separation from a husband, fiancé, or family members is akin to leading a dual existence. It entails fixating on past wounds while inhabiting the current moment, and this endeavor holds no value. Each day arrives with its own divine grace; fretting over the past or the future yields no genuine healing.

Amazingly, our forgiveness from God is tangled in the forgiveness we generously give to others who have hurt us. Matthew 6:14-15, “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins”.

All of us have encountered hurtful relationships at some point, yet forgiveness is a conscious decision to halt the inner strife that nurtures bitterness. Imperfection is universal, extending to both you and me. Pardoning a former partner is a mature Christian attribute that can be achieved through the following actions.

1. Choose forgiveness every day

Each day, and often multiple times a day, individuals may intentionally or unintentionally cause us pain. However, Jesus advises us to embrace a forgiving mindset towards everyone.

It is our duty to have a constant merciful and forgiving heart towards people who have hurt us, just like God does for us every time we disobey Him. (Daniel 9:9)

It is ungodly to hold unforgiveness in our hearts towards others. Micah 7:18 “who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy.”

So watch yourselves. “If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.” Luke 17:3-4

Strangely, forgiveness is supposed to be given unmeasurably. Matthew 18: 21-22 “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times? “Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.”

We have the debt to forgive everyone

There are cases where the person doesn’t repent, at least not to your knowledge; forgive them.

Forgiveness doesn’t always mean the relationship will be repaired, but it means you free yourself from the bondage of that hurt and can still relate kindly with that person.

When I was hurt by a broken marriage relationship, I disconnected the person from all social media and contacts. I even relocated to another city and avoided him altogether. For a few months, I wept profusely daily, but I healed only after I started praying for him. I organized a face-to-face meeting years later. After this talk, I noticed all the hatred and bitterness had left my heart. We did not reunite, but I am glad I told him outrightly that I forgave him, and he was open to telling me why he acted that way. 

2. Give forgiveness by praying for the person who hurt you

As Christians, praying is a vital part of our relationship with God, but when we are harbouring unforgiveness, God cannot hear our prayers.

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” Mark 11:25 

You can never hate someone whom you pray for. Matthew 5:44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you”.

True forgiveness implies refusing to curse or hate that person who hurt you but deciding to bless and help and be kind to them when and if you can.

“Get rid of all bitterness, passion, and anger. No more shouting or insults, no more hateful feelings of any sort. Instead, be kind and tender-hearted to one another, and forgive one another, as God has forgiven you through Christ”. Ephesians 4:31-32

How does healing come?

Lasting healing from the pain of the past can only come through prayers. Whether your ex admits his wrongs or not, pray for yourself and for him. “So then, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, so that you will be healed. The prayer of a good person has a powerful effect”. James 5:16

As surprising as it may seem, we ought to, like Jesus, pray for forgiveness and wish the best for the person who hurt us. This sometimes means assuming they are ignorant even though you know they might have deliberately hurt you. Jesus said, “Forgive them, Father! They don’t know what they are doing.” Luke 23:34

The hurtful situation will not change whether we forgive the person or not. On the contrary, like Stephen, forgiveness is a generous prayer we are obliged to make as true Christians despite the circumstances. Acts 7:59-60 “While they were stoning him, Stephen prayed, “Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.” Then he fell on his knees and cried out, “Lord, do not hold this sin against them.” When he had said this, he fell asleep.”

3. Choose forgiveness without condemnation.

It is easy to despise the person who hurt you, but it is ungodly to judge and condemn them.

Luke 6:37 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven”.

I recall rejecting any hateful and bitter thoughts about my ex every time they popped up in my mind. Firstly, I read forgiveness scriptures and invested hours reading the Bible and gospel books and watching gospel messages on how to deal with unforgiveness from a Godly perspective. Later on, I wrote sticky notes on forgiveness and pasted them on places I could often see, like on my laptop and bathroom wall. Finally, I prayed for him every time I felt that anger to curse him.

4. Decide to be mature

Forgiveness is only for mature Christians.

As much as your ex’s actions could have been hurtful, it takes two to tangle. There is a possibility being humans as we all are, you contributed in a tiny way, both knowingly and unknowingly. Therefore, forgiveness is taking responsibility for your own actions and refusing to blame the person entirely for the breakup of the relationship.

I affirmed I had fully healed and forgiven him when I narrated my experience to others and did not weep profusely. Also, when I spoke to him and did not feel any animosity or resentment. I noticed all the revengeful and hateful emotions were gone whenever I chatted with him as a friend. Keeping friendly communication with boundaries properly defined is what I did for a few years until I noticed he considered me a mistress. I had to break the communication on all my social media platforms not because we were enemies, but because I knew it was right for him to focus on his new wife. Truthfully, I can never refuse to greet him if we meet again physically someday, but I clearly told him the reason for my distance.

Forgiving them doesn’t mean they will reciprocate, but do it for your freedom to maintain a peaceful relationship with God.

We need to be generous in forgiving those who mistreated us on a consistent basis, even as we pray for them. The best way is to decide not to be vengeful or harbor negative emotions towards them.

The Bible has a list of forgiveness verses, which I recommend you invest time meditating on.

Finally, because our Christian journey is an endless process, you can find more faith-building encouragements here.